First blog post

Beautiful Chaos

“A chaotic world
shattered dreams
broken promises
yet full of love
beauty and happiness πŸ’˜”

I love writing ever since, at the same time, due to busy schedules, adulting and personal reasons, I was not able to continue what I love the most – expressing myself through writing.

I’m planning to write my what nots when it comes to my experiences – happy moments with friends, nostalgic memories, my struggles or even heartbreaks. For me, writing is expressing my innermost thoughts while struggling (more like crying inside).

I am a person with dreams. I might say that i’m a pessimist, afraid of reaching my dreams because I don’t have the confidence in me but there’s one friend of mine who told me about “Law of Attraction” in real life. You just have to believe that you can achieve your goals, work hard for it and ofcourse, pray for it.

I love diverting my stress into eating. A lot. πŸ˜ƒ I love heavy meals. Literally.

I am an extrovert. I love adventure. Meeting different kinds of people. Going to a place that I haven’t visited yet.

I love taking pictures (sceneries, food, or even selfies hihi) I love capturing every moment. Moments to cherish.

I love watching movies and reading novels. John Green, Lang Leav, Danielle Steele are some of my favorite authors.

Omg I love PANDA!!! 🐼🐼🐼 I will be the happiest girl if I will be given the chance to see a live Panda bear. Omg i would die. I have a lot of Panda babies on my bed beside me right now while typing this πŸΌπŸ’Ÿ

I am a Christian not because of my family background but because of my own decision. Though I was born in a Christian family, I accepted the Jesus Christ as my Personal Lord and Saviour whole heartedly. (Regarding this, I miss going to church every Sunday and teach Sunday School. My life has changed a year ago when I changed job and environment πŸ’”)

Lastly, I love my family more than anyone like I could give up everything for them. Cheesy, ayt? Hihi

I am made of glitters and vanity but I believe that I am more like made of fangs and claws because duuuh? I am a wolf. Hahahaha I believe I am one of ’em πŸ’ͺπŸ˜ƒ

This is my first ever blog and looking forward to a productive year ahead. Here’s a selfie of my messy hair and a half smile made more adorable with Etude liptint. Cheers! 😊

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Featured post

The Melted Candle

It’s been 6 months.

My hands are shaking right now while writing these words. I don’t know how to express my thoughts but I think, I’m ready. I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to say goodbye. I have been diverting my attention for the past 6 months. I tried not to remember everything. It is painful, to be honest. I can still feel the pain of losing someone you love. I can still remember how I absorbed every single story that everyone told me about you, on how you fought for your life and how tired you were on that evening. I tried my best to go home, to be with you for the very last time. God knew how painful it was for me when they told me about your situation. I even tried to cancel my plans but then again, God’s plans are way better than mine.

I cried. A bucket. A river. I didn’t know what to feel, how to embrace it. I didn’t know how to react because I was not expecting it. The last time I saw you, it was Christmas. You were happy to see me. I forgot to take a photo of you because I thought I could see you again. But, I was wrong. Twas the last time.

I wish I could walk down the aisle during my wedding someday with you witnessing it but I guess, it will never happen. I know that losing someone is not easy but I did not know the feeling until I felt it, until I experienced it last May when everyone bid farewell to you.

I have regrets. I could have given you the best of the world. I could have visited you at the hospital. I could have shared my happiness with you.

For the past 6 months, I’ve been praying if you can appear in one of my dreams. I just want to see how happy you are right now because that’s for certain. I know you are happy right above there. I know you are safe in God’s hands. You can no longer feel sadness and pain. You can now dance and sing your heart out.

I am grateful. Thank you for being one of my inspirations why I am working hard. Thankyou because you have witnessed my growth. Thank you for being so patient to me. For being so supportive. For doing all the works for me. For keeping me safe.

Sorry for everything. Sorry if I let you down. Sorry if it’s too late. Sorry for being sorry right now. Please be happy and please hug Him for me.

You will be remembered. You taught me how to accept things and to let go. You reminded me that God’s idea of pain is actually the best for us. Thankyou for being a great part of my life, Lolo! πŸ’—

β“”β“’β““ 🌸β™₯

Appreciation Post #1: Silence Marie πŸ”₯

Disclaimer:

I decided to write an entry for her not because I really wanted to but she told me to do so. Hahaha kiddin’ πŸ˜‚ on a serious note, she is def for keeps. We’ve been friends since highschool so she really deserves an entry. Ahem, where do I start? *drum rolls* *prepares tissue*

THROWBACK TO HIGHSCHOOL HYPEBEAST DAYS

Highschool will always be the best part of every student’s life πŸ’œ

Xylnz Reb Almalbis is one of my “risk-worthy” friends. We’ve known each other for almost 11 years and believe it or not, I’ve shared all my shenanigans to her. I sometimes wonder if she’s really willing to listen to my dramas. Well, does she have a choice? Ofcourse, naaah!!! She’s also an erica shayne loyalist πŸ‘Œ

TB friggin H, we were not that close during our highschool days because ofcourse we had different set of friends before, different preferences and I guess I was just too busy exerting effort to someone. I should not drop the name though.

Dear self, might as well remember how she supported you when you fell inlove the first time with this guy that I’m talking about. Boo hoo!!! πŸ”ͺ *plays What you mean to me by Sterling Knight*

*i don’t know how to continue this blog anymore lol πŸ˜‚*

FAST FORWARD TO COLLEGE YEARS

We both attended the same school. Since we are loyalists of our dear Alma Mater, we still chose FCU to be our home for another 4 annoying years. I studied Finance, meanwhile, she studied Marketing. (I know she did not even regret her major while I am still asking myself why the heck I studied Finance πŸ˜‘)

Again, we had different cliques. Nevertheless, we were still friends during college. I can still remember how I hacked her IG account and bombarded her feed with my videos together with my bestfriend, Daniel. Here’s a screenshot of our unauthorized access of the account way back 2014 πŸ˜‚

Uuugh writing this blog makes me wanna cry. Hashtag nostalgia. Look at those jejemon bangs!!! πŸ˜‘

Anyhoo, here are some crazy things that we’ve shared together that made us even closer.

HIGHSCHOOL MUSICAL 1, 2 AND 3

Who loved playing Sharpay Evans during their sophomore convocation in HS? Ofcrs, me!!! I played Sharpay. My ex played my brother Ryan and my bestfriend played Troy. Goodness gracious. Twas my first ever annoying role before I entered the world of Declamation. Funny. I am really not sure if Silence Marie was supportive to me during that time or what, idk really. Hahahaha but I can still remember the first time I stayed at her crib over the night. Ofcourse, we had HSM marathon. We even did karaoke and I sung “You are the music in me”. I remember how I ruined the lyrics and the rhythm because I’m a pro HSM. Duuh? Disney baby here.

Here is a creepy screen shot of my first sleepover at her crib where I sung an HSM song. I cannot post the exact video because I still have my reputation to keep πŸ˜‚

We’re all in this together, Munch. Thankyou so much for being one of my “for keeps highschool friends”. HSM will always have a special place in our hearts β™₯

Note:

I would love to include 1 Direction but I’m still bitter because of the fckin disbandment so let’s take it from here. Lol. After all, Zayn who? Charot πŸ˜‚

ALDUB

Ofcourse, who would forget this era? Hahahaha.

She actually bought Alden’s book and magazine, Kalyeserye’s magazine as well. Ofcrs, I borrowed it. We can stay all day at her crib watching Kalyeserye, laughing our hearts out and tbh with you guys, I miss those days.

I miss going to their crib, how her parents would welcome me as their own daughter and making her feel as the adopted one. I miss how her mom would take care of me like she would really buy a pack of monggo bread for me because she knows it’s my fckin fave. I miss everything especially how Silence Marie would take a nap while I’m still watching beside her. Spell talkshit. Hahahahaha πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘

TEEN WOLF

Hi. Ofcourse, it’s me. The banshee.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. The real Lydia Martin is shaking right now. πŸ˜†

This is actually the first time I saw Silence Marie cried because of a series. I can still remember how I stayed at her crib til morning just to finish the episodes. I even called myself “Mrs. McCall” πŸ‘Œ

(Yaaaas. My favorite Alpha πŸ”₯)

We were wolves during those days and I miss being one lol. Scott, Allison, Lydia, Jackson, Stiles, Malia, Kira (I hated her the most though) and the rest of the pack are still parts of our lives, full moon or not. Awoooo!!!

(Forever Season one fanatic πŸ’ͺ)

There’s no such thing as fate. There’s no such thing as werewolves πŸ˜”

Nostalgia strikes everyone. I think I’m gon watch it again like the 7 seasons again!!!

I can still feel my blood flowing thru my veins when Allison had an argument with Scott.

Allison: I do not want you to be normal. I want you to be alive.

Ugggh all the feels. Okay, nuff said because it is not an appreciation post for Teen Wolf πŸ˜‚

RUNNING MAN

Aaaand who will forget this variety show that has no dull moments. Literally a jaw drop while rofl show. I cannot remember if how Silence introduced me to this show but here are the main reasons I started watching it.

  • I was on the verge of giving up to life’s shenanigans and Running Man was God’s instrument in making me happy again
  • Song Jong Ki’s one of the original casts

This show was heaven sent because tis the only show wherein Silence never slept on it like literally. She stayed with me from 11pm to 7am just to watch the first episodes of this variety show.

All episodes with Song Jong Ki are my favorite episodes ofcourse. Hahahaha leave me alone πŸ’ͺπŸ˜‚

iKON

Ok ok. Breathe in breathe out. I’m ready. So, uhm here we go. Wait. Hahahaha okay game!!!

This friendship era is my favorite because we got closer like long distance relationship kind of being close. We are like a plane away but she managed to convert me from being an anti kpop to an ultimate desperate fangirl lol. I even ate my words hardcore. Literally. No wonder I gained weight.

Here are the screenshots of my pabonism when I neglected iKON and promised to be a Blink forever but it turned out that I’m no longer a Blink but a full time iKONIC now. Not an akgae anymore because I started to love the boys whole heartedly. Hahahaha disclaimer? Yunhyeong’s still my bias forever and always. πŸ’—

N

Hahahaha. I cannot with myself. Nuff said. Ugh. Ladies and gents… Allow me to introduce… iKON!!!

*cries in hangul 😭*

So I started stanning this male group basically because of her. I actually mentioned this on my previous blog entry. She attended the first ever iKONIC GRANDEST PARTY in MNL last November 11, 2018 wherein she made me her PA. That bitch. Hahahaha here are some proofs of my loyalty πŸ’—

At the hotel front desk 😑

And look how my fresh face turned to a haggard one because I even picked her up after the concert πŸ˜‘

Before the con

After….

HAHAHAHAHA SEE???!!!

Nevertheless, I did not even regret because I had fun seeing her happy. I even asked her a lotta times if she’s happy. She said… Yes. Ofcrs!!! πŸ’—

I don’t know about you guys but my HS friends will always be forever in my heart. Distance can make the heart grow fonder.

SHE FOR KEEPS, REALLY πŸ’—

We had a videocall on my birthday last April 10th. She’s also being supportive on how desperate I am with Yunhyeong πŸ’—πŸ˜­ Take a look…

HAHAHAHAHA SEE? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜›

I know that’s kinda mainstream to write an appreciation post for a friend but Xylnz and I have so much to share. Yes, she’s not my bestfriend but she’s a family. I’m her adopted sister right? Whether she likes it or not. Lol.

And I am literally crying right now because iKON songs are playing on my Spotify playlist and everything’s just feel so heartwarming just like our friendship like she’s always there for me. I wish I could return the favor but I am a fckin plane away from her. I owe her my addictions and like what she said, she basically shaped my life like how dare you silence marie lol πŸ”ͺ

So that’s it. I have learned about our friendship that no matter where life takes us, (nothing can break us apart? Lol more like HSM thang) but seriously, it doesn’t matter if you cannot communicate everyday. What matters most is you will always be there for your friend, thru thick and thin, highs and lows. Like even you haven’t seen each other for a decade or two, you both still can share the same stories over and over just like the old times. Please keep your chosen HS friends. Lol in my case, I have like 6 left (Rovin, Jessica, Daniel, Yancy and Popoy including her ofcourse do I have a choice? Lol) πŸ’—

β“”β“’β““ 🌸β™₯

dΓ©tourner: how iKON captured my anti-KPOP heart πŸŒΈ

dΓ©tourner – french word for “divert” πŸ‘Œ

Annyeong!!! 🐰

Let me share how iKON changed my perspective when it comes to stanning KPOP stars *cries in hangul while I reminisce the very first day they captured my heart*

Lately, my problematic self is binge watching korean variety shows and iKON contents again after 3 months of hiatus. Let’s have a lil throwback…

It was around December last year when my friends introduced me to this male group. Tbh? I refused to listen to their music a lotta times but my two KPOP fanatic friends were so persistent in converting me, geez I gave in. My music genre is different, way way different. I’m interested in all types of Rock Music. But KPOP? Hell no. Well, that was before. I ate my words, right?

I was once a Song Yunyheong akgae (someone who only stans one member and bashes the rest of the group) because why not? Okay okay. I have to be very honest. The main reason I instantly liked Yunhyeong when he was first introduced to me…. *drum roll* His birthday is also my ex’s birthday. Lol that’s it and Yunhyeong is two months older then me. A tru blu oppa indeed! 😍

So to make the verryyyyyyyy long fangirling story short, I watched their two survival shows. I literally cried a river because of their friendship, struggles, pain and everything. I won’t talk too much regarding the two shows because remembering the moments makes my heart break into pieces again.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TiJp680Wy1A

I accepted the rest of them but it took like months to love them all but Yunhyeong will always be my bias. Well, idk. Maybe I just wanted to divert my attention during that time that’s why I exerted time and effort for them. Goodness gracious, I even created a fan twitter account for Yunhyeong and for the rest of the boys.

I even changed my lipbalm preference because Yunhyeong endorses a lipbalm product. I know, i know. He has kissable lips. I get it.

So many shits had happened and I totally neglected their existence. I have made decisions that turned into regrets. I even watched KDRAMAS and replaced Yunhyeong with Nam Joohyuk *crazy thoughts all over my veins* but… During their concert here last November 11th, everything fell into their places. Okayfine, I was not able to witness the grandest iKONIC party ever but that made me realize how fangirling is difficult at my age lol.

Things are chill lately and God knows how thankful I am to have iKON in my depressing life. My boys are doing great in making me the happiest when watching them and laughing at their dork faces. I now understand why my KPOP fanatic friends are having body tremors when talking about the groups that they stan.

I swear to every samgyupsal stores and korean masks to meet the boys in person without any hassle. A motivation, maybe? After all, I’m not that too old to seize my fangirling life. Guys, hell-o? 23 is the new 15. I just love them so much and no one can ever replace them. No one can ever replace Song Yunhyeong’s aka Song Homie πŸ˜‚β™₯

Saranghaeyo, iKON. Neoleul deo saranghae, Song Yunhyeong β™₯

Dating a Christian guy πŸ’•

“God will never break your heart. He will never cheat. He will never break His promises”

Hi to all the Christian guys I’ve loved before. I’m pretty sure Lara Jean Song Covey is shaking right now. Haha kidding.

This entry is not for me. It is not about how stupid I am to give my heart to someone or whatnot.

This is for you, girl. Yes for you. Always remember that you are loved. You are precious. You deserve everything in this world because you are a princess and your Father is indeed the King of all kings. You are God’s daughter so please do not settle for less.

I remember when one of my mentors told me not to fall in love during parties or escapades or during work. She told me to fall in love inside the church. Why? Because if you give your heart to someone who loves Jesus more, you will never regret.

A “Christian guy” has always been my standard. He has to be a member of Praise Team or Dance for Christ or even a Small Group Leader or a Sunday School Teacher. He has to read his Bible or apply his life verse in his everyday living. He must know what John 3:16 means. He must have the marks of Jesus Christ.

Yes. He must be a real “Christian” not just because He publicly declared his faith throuh baptism, not just because he is active in church, not just because he knows how to play an intrument or dance to Young and Free and Planetshakers.

He has to be more than that. You know what I mean? Like he’s going to love you and treat you right because he loves Jesus so much so he is willing to do everything just to make the Lord happy. Of course, treating a girl right makes the Lord happy.

Do not lower your standards. Do not let the gem inside you that God planted years ago lose its shine just because you gave your heart to a wrong person who doesn’t deserve your tears. Please choose the one who can make you happy because God is the center of your partnership. Please do not find happiness. Find joy. More genuine and everlasting. After all, God is enough. He will always satisfy your hunger and thirst. No one could ever do that. No one can sacrifice His life on the cross for you. Only Jesus.

Please prioritize Him because I assure you that everything will follow. Love Him first because He will direct you to someone who’s really meant for you. Someone that He designed just for you and when that time comes, you will never beg because that someone will stay with you. True love waits. Don’t rush things. God is preparing the both of you so that you can be the best versions of yourselves. He is still using the both of you for His glory. It’s not always a YES but God will give you the BEST!!!

β“”β“’β““ β™₯🌸

coeur brisΓ© πŸ’”

You were my alarm clock every five in the afternoon
But now, I am trying to wake up on my own

You used to call me over the phone like everyday
We had arguments in our own crazy way
But now, I deleted your number and blocked you, maybe forever

You were my favorite pillow
It felt good to be with you
Now, I am trying to sleep at night without thinking of you
But I have to admit that I miss everything about you

You’re like a hot coffee in my afternoon light
Or a cold vanilla frappe in my breezy mountain sight
This means that we cannot be
Because I can feel the pain of our bittersweet two am memory

I used to love fixing your things, your mess
Even if you let me settle for less
You were my sunshine, you made me smile
But now, I am trying to be distant for awhile

Praying to God that you’ll be happy
I forgive you because that’s the way it should be
But I won’t forget all the lies and the games that you’ve played
Thankyou for swallowing all the words that you’ve said.

β“”β“’β““πŸŒΈβ™₯

Let Go and Let God β˜

Why do I have to settle for less when I know that God’s plan is the best?

These past few days, I tend to ignore the answer because I am scared to let go. I am afraid to let go of the things that make me happy. I want to believe that everything will fall into their proper places without realizing that God has a better plan for me.

I pretend to be strong. I can start and end my shift pretending to be okay, not telling anyone (even God) how painful it is to live. I fake my emotions everyday because I know that crying won’t help me reach my goals. Being a weakling right now is not the best solution.

I seek my happiness in different ways – from being with the wrong person to diverting my attention to anything that the world can offer. I’m getting used to these things to the point that I’m scared of letting them go.

I gave my heart to someone until he broke it into pieces – he broke me. He chose to hurt me. I broke down.

I then realized that brokenness is a must so that God can use me for His glory.

I spent my time to wordly things – watching morbid series, drinking with friends, wasting money to useless things and many more. I know that pampering myself is also important but because of this, I forgot how to pray deeply. I forgot how to have a quality and intimate time with the Lord. I forgot how to share my innermost thoughts to Him. I forgot that He’s there, waiting for me to embrace His words and His presence.

Today, August 5, 2018. Sunday. I remind myself to let go and let God. Let go of the things that broke me into pieces. Let go of someone who’s not willing to accept me for who I am.

I need to let go my burdens, my pain, my struggles, my cries and let God intervene.

Let God do His magic upon my life. I need to trust Him for He is the author of my life story. Truly, I need to let go of unnecessary things and toxic people so that I can feel Jesus in my life again.

Our life is like a plant growing in a garden. If you want to grow, if you want to be healthy spiritually and emotionally, some things are meant to be removed. You have to let go of the weeds in your life so that you can fulfill God’s perfect and pleasing will for you. Do not settle for less. God has a better plan for you. Let go and let God. ☝

β“”β“’β““ β™₯🌸

The “Whys” of thy broken heart πŸ’”

Why do you have to get the key of her heart?
Are you not aware that she’s trying to guard it for years?

Why do you have to utter those words if you will just take her for granted?
Maybe because you’re just a liar or you just want her to believe in broken promises
Don’t you know that she will always remember what you have said?

Why do you have to push her away?
Maybe because you never care for her feelings
Maybe because you are not aware that you are hurting her
That everything is painful to her

Why do you have to ignore her cries?
Every day and every night

She is begging for your time, to listen to her, to care for her

Why is she feeling that way?
Maybe because she thought that you’re the answer

Someday, she will realize that the answer’s different
You are not the answer
You will not be the answer

She will leave you, soon
Why?
Because she deserves everything in this world

She will thank you for everything

For taking her for granted

For hurting her. πŸ’”

β“”β“’β““ 🌸β™₯

3 AM πŸ’”

Everything’s so painful at 3am.

You will wake up with tears flowing all over your face like it’s your everyday routine. You will cry a bucket of pain. A river of sadness. An ocean of emotions.

Everyone’s so confusing at 3am.

You will send a message to someone knowing that it will be put into waste because he is a professional asshole and assholes tend to ignore everything. You will cry and feel the pain in your chest but you will not regret telling everything because it will make you stronger. You will be sad for a while knowing that he will not care at all but you will eventually move on.

Every single thing is depressing at 3 am.

You will make decisions at 3 am that will change your future. We don’t know what the future may bring but 3 am decisions will always change it. Either for the better or for the worse. Be careful. Make sure that you will not regret it. If you will leave everything behind, please make sure that you will take your self with you. Do not leave it with them. They are temporary. You are precious and don’t let your 3am thoughts ruin the gem inside you.

β“”β“’β““ 🌸β™₯

once lost, eternally found πŸŒΈβ™₯

Monday.

9:00 in the morning.

I don’t have enough energy to grab a pen and paper to write my thoughts. God is great to have sent technology to earth to make our work faster and easier. I am typing my innermost thoughts, my deepest feelings. I need to unleash it. I need to share how thankful I am to have found my safe haven again – in the arms of God! πŸ‘Œβ˜

Being in the “big city” can turn your life upside down. I was not aware how this decision – to be away from my support system affected my spiritual growth. I miss my old life. I miss my old self. I miss everything about me where my priority back then was my ministry. I miss my old self where I can listen to everyone’s struggles without thinking my own pain. I miss crying in front of many people testifying how great God is. I miss teaching little children in our own dialect. I miss singing, dancing and portraying roles of Bible characters just to share to the audience how amazing the works of our Lord God. I was lost but…. I am now found! ☝

Yesterday was an eye opener. One of my favorite pastors shared his own testimony. I know my life’s been chaotic for the past days and I stumbled down because of life’s own shits. I once asked God regarding His plan for me. I, myself has a lot of decisions for my future.

I want to be like this,

I want to be like that,

I need to finish this to,

I need to overcome this because…

I tend to forget that God’s thoughts are way better than mine. His plans are better than my decisions. Why don’t I entrust everything to Him? In fact, he once gave me a clearer vision but I was just bombarded with the world.

I know I’ve been insensitive to ignore His cries and His calling for me. I need to be wholehearted in serving Him in all of my ways. I just realized that crying during church services and retreats or any youth camps, singing and dancing along with the praise team and reading Bible everyday won’t make me a whole hearted Christian. I mean, yes these things will help me and will feed my spiritual hunger but these are not enough.

I need to “walk my talk“. I need to apply what I learned for how many years.

I know it will not be easy for being a Christian is not easy but one thing’s for sure, God is here for me to help me discover my gift so that I can be used by Him. Again! I know no matter how stubborn I was before, no matter how naive I was when I made decisions on my own, He will always and always reach me out and welcome me with open arms. I miss my first ever bestfriend. I miss my confidante and my adviser. I miss Him. I miss Jesus. πŸ˜”πŸ˜’

β“”β“’β““ 🌸β™₯

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